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13th September 2019 published in Tashy Does.

I'm finding it quite difficult to get back into the swing of working. I think the problem is I have no deadlines and also other things are going on in other areas of my life.

Last week I wrote that I wasn't feeling 70. I still don't but, lying in bed the other night, Tuesday to be precise, I suddenly realised I was old. Again, it wasn't anything physical; it was mental. I was lying there, trying to go to sleep, sleep is never easy for me, and I had spent the previous two nights not getting into bed until nearly 2.00am after watching the sheer brilliance and determination of Rafael Nadal and the following night the sheer stupidity and buffoonery of Boris Johnson.

Seventy is old, not even middle age any more. If life is lived in seasons I am fast arriving into winter. The trouble is I don't know what it means to me. I have so much I still want to do but it would be ridiculous, should it all end any time now that I have reached 70, to feel aggrieved but I would.

I have had an amazing life but I am greedy: I want more. Tonight I am babysitting for my son. I hate the idea. I know I can sit in front of their supersize TV and watch...............drivel. I could do some writing (good) or read a bit more of the book I am presently reading but what if I suddenly have an idea and want to use my camera, my keyboard or anything. I can't even pop to my kitchen and have a nibble of something I bought for nibbling.

At this age I need to control my life completely. I want to do what I want, when I want and how I want. I saw a post from someone on Instagram where somewhere said 5 hours of babysitting just sitting in front of TV; what a great way to earn £30. Sorry, no.

Next week I am going to give myself some deadlines and make sure I achieve them. I am also, unless it's an emergency, not available during the week to do errands for others. Sorry.

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